It is easy to spot a honeymooning couple isn't it – they are young and seem to be newly in love and seem quite immersed in each other. Plus the woman is seen to be sporting various badges of matrimony, depending upon which region she and the groom, are from. From the mangalsutra, chooda, sindoor, jewellery and so on that the bride wears, we can make out that this is a newly married couple. On the other hand, the new groom seems to sport no such overt signs of matrimony – perhaps a ring or two and some smart new clothes but nothing that says 'married'.
The wedding of Tanuja Patil and Shardul Kadam was a little unusual. This is a man who wanted to sport the same signs of matrimony as his bride and decided to wear a mangalsutra as well. Perhaps even more importantly, the two sides decided to split the wedding costs rather than having the bride's family bear a disproportionately larger share of the expenses. The Facebook post about this couple on the Humans of Bombay page received a lot of attention – not all for the best of reasons.
According to Shardul, there was some (muted) family disapproval and then the internet backlash. There was a lot of mockery about ‘will you now wear a sari’ and ‘will you now bleed once a month’; some fairly vicious trolling that the couple, particularly Shardul received. There were some who questioned his sanity and recommended mental treatment - simply for trying to promote gender equality in this unique way. Some men, in particular, seemed particularly triggered by this and there were a lot of very abusive comments.
It is refreshing and encouraging how many appreciative and positive responses Tanuja and Shardul received for their unconventional choices. Many comments expressed approval at this unique way of a husband pledging equality with his wife – even if it is symbolic, it is still an important statement to make. Regrettably, however, for many this was ‘shocking’ or ‘disgusting’ or seen as going against religious tenets and cultural traditions – as the hostile and abusive comments clearly showed.
It always falls to the woman to ‘uphold tradition’ or ‘culture’ or maintain ‘family honour’. Here is a guy who wanted to follow just one of the traditions that only women are expected to follow and a lot of men collectively lost it. Why is this? Why do they have such a problem with men and women who want to change buck traditions? Why do they hate women who assert their equality and men who support them?
Gender expectations, particularly from women, are very much a societal phenomenon, something that we saw last year in a divorce matter before the Guwahati High Court. The court granted a man divorce based on the grounds that the wife refused to wear the shaka' (conch shell bangle) and sindoor' (vermillion) which are a sign of her being married. This, according to the court, was tantamount to the woman’s ‘refusal to accept the marriage’. There were other issues that the order was based on, but this observation by the court is bizarre, to say the least.
Many would agree with the court – there are many who feel that traditions must be followed and they are free to feel that way. But why is it overwhelmingly the duty only of women in society to follow those traditions? It is seen as important for a woman to ‘look’ married. A man places several such symbols upon the person of a woman during the marriage ceremony; symbols that will indicate her as ‘belonging’ to some man. However, there is no such expectation from a married man and no visible signs of him ‘belonging’ to any woman. This is just one more aspect of the inherent gender inequality in society. Perhaps some would prefer to do away with all these signs of matrimony as regressive, while some value and want to carry forward these traditions. Either way, this should be a matter of choice that people should be free to make for themselves.
If couples such as Shardul and Tanya decide to carry forward the tradition – with an egalitarian tweak of their own – I say good for them! I am sure many would join me in wishing the two a happy, long and content married life as partners who value each other equally.
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