Social media is full of posts that urge us to cut toxic people out of our lives. This is all very well, but this made me wonder – who are all these toxic people? Could it be that we are the toxic ones? Perhaps many of us need to introspect honestly about who the toxic one is, in a relationship. Maybe we need to ask some tough questions of ourselves:
You may want things done your own way, but then so does your partner or spouse. You have to ask yourself whether you think of things only from your own point of view or whether you consider your partner’s feelings, needs and point of view. Couples have to respect each other’s feelings and needs. There has to be a degree of empathy in a relationship; the willingness to see things from the other point of view.
Are you fighting frequently and disagreeing on the smallest of things? If so, you need to ask yourself, whether these are just excuses to fight and whether there are deeper issues between you. Think about why fights start, who starts them and who ends them. Is there an attempt to make peace and the willingness to say sorry? Being able to take responsibility and saying sorry is a big part of any mature relationship. If, instead of apologising at least some of the time, one uses the victim card all too often, this may be toxic to the relationship.
Do you invalidate feelings and make them feel as though they are imagining things? Dismissing a partner’s feelings and telling them that three is no reason for their fears and worries can be a sign that you are the toxic one in the relationship. One not only has to listen to their partner, but they also have to make them feel that their feelings are valid and important. It can get very lonely in a relationship where one person disregards and disrespects the other's feelings.
If you are the one who takes all the decisions in the relationship this is a real problem. This signals an unequal relationship, with a skewed power balance. If you are taking unilateral decisions without consulting your partner – particularly in issues that impact them as well, this is a problem. Controlling behaviour and the use of manipulation or emotional blackmail to get one's way are all toxic to a healthy, loving partnership.
It is all very well to say that partners /spouses should have no secrets from each other. However, it is important that boundaries be respected even in the most intimate of relationships. No matter what one thinks the justification is, snooping into a partner’s private spaces or devices a no-no. Not only is it a sign of a trust deficit, it is an indication that one doesn’t respect their partner enough to also respect their boundaries. Snooping could also cause needless misunderstandings – it is always best to ask direct questions and communicate honestly and openly with a partner.
The aspirations of one person in a relationship cannot be privileged over the aspirations of the other. Even if one person’s career is more lucrative or seen as somehow more important, this doesn’t give anyone the right to demean their partner’s professional or other aspirations. There has to be mutual respect and a genuine acceptance of one’s partner as one’s equal in every respect to be truly supportive of the other’s hopes and ambitions. Assuming one’s partner or their desires as being secondary or unimportant to one's own is toxic too. A toxic relationship is hurtful and unhappy-making for all concerned --- it is important to acknowledge toxicity for what it is.
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