In 1992, American radio show host and author Gary Chapman wrote the book The Five Love Languages. In this book, he spoke about the five main ways or ‘languages’ in which people express or ‘speak’ their love. The idea is that each of us has one main love language and one or more secondary languages in which we express our love. Chapman meant romantic love but I think this could apply to all types of love.
Words of affirmation is the first. This means using compliments, describing one’s feelings for the other person, and expressing affection and appreciation. The person may say how lucky they feel to be with a person, how everything seems better when they are around, how they look good, how valuable their help is etc.
Quality time is also a love language. This is about prioritising the loved one over other things and people, spending quality time together and making the effort to spend time together. It can be time spent together like on a date, watching a movie, just going on a walk together, even cooking together. This is one person telling the other they love them by showing that it is enough just to be together.
Giving gifts is another. It may be a big, expensive gift that the loved one had been wanting for a while. It may be a small but thoughtful surprise, a subscription, a class, a collection of fave music or just something that would bring on a smile or a laugh.
Acts of service is also a language of love. Some people give, some people give of themselves. Making someone a lovely meal, completing their chores for them, doing the shopping for them, giving them some uninterrupted time to simply watch TV – this is the way some of us express love.
Physical touch is another, to me an obvious love language. Hugging and kissing, snuggling, simply sitting close together or hold hands… for some of us, it is the physical connection that is all-important. I, for instance, am unable express my sympathy on phone for a loved one who has had a terrible experience. Only a physical hug, maybe crying a few tears together will help me express my love and sympathy.
You probably recognised some of those – as ways you express or receive love. We typically use one or more of these to express ourselves to our loved ones. Maybe one shows love for one's mother by giving her small gifts or performing small services for her when one is little. A homemaker may cook special dishes and keep a beautiful home to express love for the family. A busy professional may take out time especially to spend with a loved one. Someone may write poems to their loved ones; conversely, someone who is not very articulate may express love by performing acts of service or devoting their time.
According to Chapman, we express our love in ways (languages) we want to receive love. So if we want to make someone feel loved, we ought to observe their love language and listen to what they seem to need from us. So if someone’s love language is giving gifts, then the manner of receiving them is important too. Just saying thanks or not reacting to the gift is like a rejection of sorts. When we realise what the love language of the other person is, we see how they are giving something of value of themselves to us – and then it makes sense to us.
I'm very unrestrained about expressing my feelings and am uninhibited in showing physical affection – husband, child, father, dog, uncle, friend, whoever. My husband is more of a strong silent type – I will often prod him to give me compliments. His love language is time spent together, performing small services quietly and without any fuss. When we recognised how each of us expresses love for the other in our own rather peculiar ways, it made us understand each other better.
The 5 love languages aren't some scientific theory. They are more like common sense that comes from observing human relationships a little. Maybe we can observe the love languages of our loved ones; maybe we can see and hear a little more clearly what they are saying to us. Maybe we can become more understanding and more appreciative of the people who mean the most?
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